CANNIBAL CORPSE

George Fischer sounds bummed out. The vocalist equally known for his commanding combat boot on the fold back stage presence and distinctive whiplash head bang is sitting on a bus doing interviews when the rest of the band is partying with the other acts sharing the bill on America’s Mayhem festival. “There’s actually a party that I’m missing right now to do these interviews” he grumbles.

The after-party that Corpsegrinder is itching to get to will play host to some of the most recognisable names in radio friendly hard rock; bands like Marilyn Manson, Bullet For My Valentine and Killswitch Engage. Bands that would never enter the frame of reference of the average Cannibal fan. Bands whom it would be sacrilegious to compare to the death metal juggernaut. Fischer confirms that the average attendees at the Mayhem festival are teenagers who he describes as “mallcore” kids, elaborating to explain these are the teenagers wearing too tight clothing who wander throughout the venue in packs, stopping constantly to adjust their fringes. In spite of the obvious incongruence between Corpse and much of the festival’s billing, George sounds stoked about the shows. Playing to the largest American audiences of their career, the band is finding a new audience who have grown up with the name Cannibal Corpse tattooed in the dark recesses of their brains.

“A lot of people who I think might know our name but not really know any of our music or maybe heard a song or two here and there are sticking around and hearing our set. And that’s really cool because hearing a song and seeing a band live are completely different. And I mean these shows are pretty much all ages. We’ve been getting people coming out from every age group showing up and that’s been awesome. It’s been good because on this tour we’re playing to fans that I don’t think we would have ever normally seen.”

Capitalising on the strength of their iconic name, Cannibal Corpse have been relishing the opportunity of brutalising a younger audience. “It’s kind of cool because it gives us a chance to go out and show these kids what we’ve really got. We love playing to the fans we’ve had over the years, y’know, we wouldn’t replace them with anybody, but it is exciting playing in front of a bunch of people that you know have never seen you before. I mean, I’m up there and I get excited because I’m thinking ‘these guys don’t know who we are, I’m going to fucking show them’ and hopefully they’re in to that. Hopefully the energy that we have transfer to them and dig the music. Especially playing this Mayhem festival, we’re basically playing in big parking lots and there’ll be people wandering around, kinda checking out the merchandise booths and then they’ll stop by maybe because they recognise the name and then they go ‘woah, what the hell is that?’ And hopefully that creates a new fan of the band.”

Cannibal Corpse’s appeal to a younger audience highlights one thing about the gory merchants of death. Not that they’ve gone soft in their old age, on the contrary they’ve only gotten sicker, rather that over their career they have become a cultural force to be reckoned with. Because just as Generation X aged on par with the first wave of heavy metal bands, Generation Y has grown up with extreme metal providing a cultural counter-point to the mainstream. And this counter culture has been championed by none other than Cannibal Corpse.

Since Cannibal Corpse has been releasing music, the old guard moral majority has been waging a media war against extreme metal, and as such Gen Y has grown up hearing stories about the five piece’s fiendish wickedness. Corpse are a band that have been singled out, ex-U.S. Senator Bob Dole even went as far as to say that Cannibal Corpse and Oliver Stone movies were “nightmares of depravity” that were a “threat to undermine our character as a nation”. A band that has been censored, they couldn’t play any songs off their first three records in Germany until the ban was lifted in 2006. Even a band that have been outlawed, between 2003 and 2006 it was illegal for Australian retailers to sell any Cannibal Corpse albums. Rather than deterring the band, George eloquently offers, “sit outside and picket all you want. We don’t care. Kiss our ass. We’re going to go inside and play. That’s the way it goes”, all of this has done little more than help their legend of the band to grow.

The pop culture anti-hero, Cannibal Corpse have spent the last 20 years reigning as the hated and oft-misinterpreted face of death metal. Earning this title with depraved masterpieces like Eaten Back To Life and Butchered At Birth, Cannibal Corpse have been the band that consistently had the sickest lyrics, the craziest artwork and some of the most memorable and bludgeoning riffs to support it all. Continuing to release albums, each Cannibal Corpse effort represents the next chapter in the band’s gore-drenched true life horror story. Arguably their most technically proficient work to date, Evisceration Plague is testament to the band’s staying power within the current death metal elite. It’s also an album that fans have gotten behind much to George’s delight.

“I’m much happier when I’m announcing song titles and people have a reaction to it as opposed to not. Like it’s a bit of a bummer when people seem to know the older songs but just look back at you blankly when you try and play the new songs. But this album has been great, it hasn’t been out for that long and people are already starting to listen to it a lot and know the songs. It’s really good when people, y’know, care about your new shit.”

While the band’s appeal has proven time and time again that it is ageless, the five dudes that comprise the outfit are all turning 40. Faced with the prospect of playing physically testing, unrelenting music for a generation of spring chicken fans, Corpsegrinder doesn’t sound jaded or weary in regards to the physical toll of being death metal royalty.

“You do a lot of shows in a row and you start to feel physically worn down and whatnot. But we try to schedule things so we have a decent amount of time off. Sometimes it doesn’t work that way and we don’t and we suffer for it. But it’s not like we’ve got broken bones or anything like that. Yeah we get aches and pains but as long as we don’t go getting ourself into fights or anything like that, we don’t have any major problems.”

As if to prove his point about Corpse’s relative youthfulness, Fischer heads out to the Mayhem festival after-party when our interview has concluded. Before he leaves I ask whether Cannibal Corpse will still be playing songs like Fucked With A Knife and Hammer Smashed face when they’re old and grey?

“Sure, why not? We still love playing music and touring. I could still see myself doing this in 10, even 15 years. As long we’re physically capable of doing it, we’ll be out on the road.”

With: The Surrogate, Brazen Bull

When: October 26

Where: Rosie’s, Brisbane, Australia

Australian police don’t have a reputation for being strictly kosher, but it appears that they’re not thrilled about the idea of Pig Destroyer. Standing outside the entrance to basement club Rosie’s, the handful of blue uniforms look perturbed, as though Scott Hull himself might jump them at any moment. After the local support bands clear the diminutive stage, it’s evident that the damage Hull and co. crossed the Pacific to inflict is strictly aural. Before the four-piece come up for air, they’ve already desecrated the crowd with Scarlet Hourglass, Trojan Whore and Naked Trees. The band really hit their stride playing tracks from Phantom Limb. Pouring beer on his hair and rarely bothering to face the audience, J.R. Hayes screams his way through the set, marinating each song in visceral self-hatred and anguish. The longer Phantom Limb material affords Scott Hull breathing space, the monster jams of Heathen Temple and Loathsome are the perfect counter-point to the feral grind riffs of the band’s older material. Holding down the rhythm section, the powerful crash of Brian Harvey’s symbols is mesmerizing. The pit is in a state of united ecstasy, the more intrepid displaying this by crowd surfing from the riser-less stage. Closing with an encore of The Dwarves’ Fuck You Up and Get High, sampler Blake Harrison proves he’s more than just a glorified laptop. Picking up a mic, he and J.R. obliterate a duet of the 35 second punk classic. Leaving the stage, Pig Destroyer impart the Brisbane audience with a sense of awe… and the club with a substantial clean-up bill, as chunks of plaster from the low ceiling, kicked loose by the crowd surfers, litter the floor.

Lamb Of God have come a long way since their inception in the early 90s. From a band that, as Randy tells, “did all the vocals on the first album in 12 hours” to touring with Metallica and travelling the world on the strength of “pure American metal”, Lamb Of God have grown to become, undeniably, one of the biggest names in the new wave of American heavy metal. And  while Randy, the band’s quick-witted, razor-tongued front man doesn’t seem like the sentimental type, we catch him off guard. During our conversation, it is discovered that the band’s slot, headlining the metal stage at Soundwave, which also coincides with the release of the band’s fifth studio album, is also Randy’s birthday, so give the dude a break for reflecting a bit.

Coming out of the strong Virginian metal scene, Lamb Of God established themselves on early recordings as a heavy metal band combining the accessible hooks of Pantera with progressive song structures and the heaviness of more extreme, underground bands. A formula that proved successful, garnering Lamb Of God’s albums both critical acclaim and a legion of dedicated fans. While many bands that started around the same time as LoG cease to be (excellent Richmond sludge band Alabama Thunderpussy one of the most recent causalities), Lamb Of God are demonstrating signs of a longevity rarely seen outside the highest echelon of the international metal elite. Randy confirms this hypothesis when discussing some of the big names to come out of the Richmond metal scene.

“In Richmond, there’s Gwar. And Gwar took us out on our first tour and they’ve been around like 25 years and they’re still doing it. So I feel like a spring chicken compared to them. Being in a band long term is not for everybody, people don’t have the stamina or maybe they’re just smart enough not to do this for 15 fucking years. But for us, that’s just the way we are. We’re still flogging away and I don’t see an end in sight right now. I could see us doing this like those bands that will never stop. Like Metallica or Slayer, but not the Rolling Stones, I’m not going to be Mick Jagger, popping around on the stage when I’m 65, there’s just no fucking way. The only person that could do that is Lemmy. But he’s not a human. He’s like an über-man. He’s an advanced creature.”

The latest product of Lamb Of God’s dedication to their craft is Wrath. Combining the speed and extremity of As The Palaces Burn and New American Gospel with the big riffs and hardcore posturing of Sacrament, the new album is powerful enough to attract a new legion of fans, while reigniting the passion of fans from albums past. While the album is stuffed with the aggression and tension expected from the five piece’s back catalogue, Randy believes that the stresses that plagued their more recent efforts (which are well documented in the case of Sacrament’s ‘making of’ DVD) wasn’t as prevalent when heading in to the studios to record Wrath.

“The recording sessions for Wrath were less stressful than the last couple of records because we had done such an extensive pre-production period. We try and learn from every recording session and we’ve gotten a little bit better at it. We’ll certainly take the lessons we learned recording this album and learn even more the next time we head into the studio.”

One of the most notable aspects of Wrath is a return to the political lyrics that the band became known for, only to ditch altogether on their last effort, Sacrament. On songs like Wrath’s stand out track Contractor (seriously, this song is like Laid To Rest good), it sounds eerily reminiscent of the band so pissed off at the state of affairs that they penned classics like As The Palaces Burn and What I’ve Become.

“Well for As The Palaces Burn we tried to step away and write a record that wouldn’t get us branded as a political band, because we don’t want to be branded as any sort of band other than just a fucking heavy metal band. But that didn’t work, Mark and I write the lyrics and we wound up writing a lot of political stuff and after Ashes we said ‘ok, we’re really not going to write a political record’ so we buckled down and ignored the politics and wrote internal stuff and Sacrament was a personal record. With…” Randy stops mid-sentence “what’s the name of our new record? shit I’m getting old… Wrath we kind of reopened the flood gates and we allowed the politics to come back through. So on this album there’s some personal stuff, some political stuff and some social commentary. It’s nice to have a broader palette to paint with.”

As our conversation turns back to the band’s upcoming Soundwave set, we reflect on Lamb Of God’s previous performances in Brisbane. The band’s amazing headlining show in a very packed, very sweaty, Arena (remembering the show as I write is making feel all gooey inside), set an incredibly high standard for Lamb Of God to match. But as Randy sees it, there’s never been a question of trying to put on a show on par with the last.

“We always have to play better than we did the last time, no matter how good it was. We’re a highly self-critical band, when we write, when we record, when we play. People will say to us after a live show ‘that was fucking awesome’ but if we messed up a tiny little piece of a song, that probably only we would notice, that pretty much ruins the show for us. We’re really anal about that. Of course the show goes on but the vibe backstage after the show is generally not good because we’re so self-critical. So we always want to do better. Both times we’ve been to Australia we’ve been plagued with equipment problems, so this time we’re bringing our own gear and we know it and we know that it’s not going to fuck up. We feel that the last two times we’ve been to Australia the shows have been amazing, the fans have been amazing but we have not been amazing. So we’re really looking forward to coming down and giving the show that the fans deserve.”

Although some fans might be jaded about Wrath being released on the day of Soundwave, thus leaving minimal time for people to become acquainted with the album’s tunes, Randy assures that it won’t be long before his band of hardened road warriors ride through town again with their own shows. “I would definitely look out for us in the year 2009. I don’t think we’re only going to Australia once this year.”

But how does Randy feel about spending his birthday on the other side of the world from his home, with a mass of Brisbane punters? “Australia’s our favourite country to tour in besides the States and it’ll be my birthday and the album will come out and it’s the first day of the tour and I’ve heard that Soundwave is awesome, so I’m fucking stoked.”

RHYS DARBY

Rhys Darby has come a long way since spending time in the New Zealand armed forces in the early 90s. Since the HBO series Flight Of The Conchords debuted in 2006, Rhys, and his hilarious alter-ego Murray Hewitt has risen to the status of cult legend. His earnest and totally clueless band manager character has even seen Darby become an in-demand Hollywood actor. No small achievement for a red nut from New Zealand.

While Rhys has more acting projects on the boil that he feels/is contractually obliged not to talk about, he was more than happy to talk about the new Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. Darby’s debut into big budget feature films, his role of Norman, the nerdy boss character, gave Rhys an appreciation of the Hollywood machine.

“Working with Jim Carrey on a project like this was amazing. He’s an incredibly talented actor and he’s such an old hat at movies that he had a lot of really great insight into the business and lots of advice.”

While Darby sees film as the future of his career, he stills values his roots as a stand-up comedian. Known for his hilarious muddle of one liners and physical comedy, Rhys’ presence on the international comedy scene has culminated in the release of his debut stand-up DVD, Live: Imagine That! Filmed over the course of two nights and two sold out shows at Los Angeles’ El Ray theatre, Imagine That! shows a riotous side of Darby the causal Flight Of The Conchords viewer may not recognise. As his debut DVD release, Rhys expresses that he couldn’t have been more proud of the final output.

“As my career has been growing and I’ve been looking to get more involved in the film side of things, it’s really great that I could document a stand-up performance. My schedule seems to keep getting filled with more and more different projects and that means I’ve kind of ended up doing stand-up less and less. So before I go off for another year of film projects and other things it’s great to have something out there that shows me being a comedian. I’ll still try to fit in stand-up wherever I can, but just for at least the next year or two I’m really going to have a shot at the film thing.”

The DVD kicks off with Rhys, disguised as a backwards New Zealand park ranger, who is contactable by email but “doesn’t have myface or any of that shit”, introducing himself onto the stage. After that, in between jokes about ejector seats, dinosaurs and jet packs, Live: Imagine That! sees Rhys take more than a few pot shots at his nation of origin. Having noticed more than a few cheeky jibes throughout the first season of Flight Of The Conchords at the land that’s given us one hit wonder OMC, Amazing Race host Phil Keogan and… not much else, so how does New Zealand, and all the New Zealandies, feel about Flight Of The Conchords’ success?

“Oh they love it over there. Because New Zealand is such a small country they very rarely get any sort of a mention on the world stage. The Flight Of The Conchords guys are up there having a bit of fun and taking the piss a little but New Zealanders don’t see it as an attack, they’re just happy to see some of their own make it big. I think also that’s part of the New Zealand culture, people are laidback and pretty happy to have a laugh at themselves. I think the same holds true with Australians, though not in America, if you made a joke about America in America you’d probably be reported to Homeland Security.”

Our conversation logically veers towards the second season of Flight Of The Conchords, which Rhys informs will hit US televisions (and the internet several hours later) on January 19. While remaining tight-lipped, Rhys lets slip a few words on the show.

“This season sees Murray and the guys kind of work on their relationship in the wake of what happened at the end of last season. There’s a bit of soul-searching and I think the characters realise a thing or two about themselves.”

When asked whether that meant the bongo and keytar duo The Crazy Dogggz would return, Rhys slips into Murray’s incredulous vocal tone. ‘Well yeah… a group that good. They’re going to be hanging around. No, you wouldn’t want to get rid of them.”

It’s hard to imagine reading press about the Dillinger Escape Plan without the subject of change being at the forefront. Since collaborating with Mr. Bungle/Faith No More/Peeping Tom’s Mike Patton in 2002, change, along with guitarist Ben Weinman, seems to be the only constant in a band that more and more people outside the metal and hardcore underground are starting to notice. Maybe it was the influence of collaborating with Patton, something of an alternative music forefather, but after the Irony is a Dead Scene EP, subsequent releases have challenged the dubious labels (math metalcore, does that even make sense?) fans and critics assigned the band.     

Despite whatever criticisms have been levelled at the band, last year’s Ire Works album saw the Dillinger Escape Plan reach new levels of popularity. The album moved 11,000 copies in the first week and was a critically praised by the alternative music media. The world over, people started taking notice of what the Dillinger Escape Plan were doing, much to the surprise of even the band members. “When we were on tour in Europe this February I remember Greg turning to me between songs at a concert and saying ‘at what point did we become a real band over here?’”

Closer to home, the album’s first single, Black Bubblegum, was placed on a fairly regular rotation on Triple J. Keeping listeners in touch with the heavy metal underground… through a pop song that makes liberal use of Greg Puciato’s falsetto vocals.

The doors that Black Bubblegum has opened for the Dillinger Escape Plan have been almost unimaginable considering their humble beginnings as a math metal band from New Jersey. They’ve even performed the song on Conan! But for all the attention Black Bubblegum has brought the band, Liam reiterates that the Dillinger Escape Plan still know what they do best. “Black Bubblegum and songs like it serve as a dynamic contrast in our catalogue. We’re trying to make songs like Lurch pop out as more aggressive and the only way to do that is to pair it next to a Black Bubblegum.”

Although it might piss off a fan or two, Liam says that Black Bubblegum will be played when Dillinger tour Australia. It almost seems like an anomaly, playing pop songs during the infamously intense DEP shows, which in the past have been violent, crazy and just down-right dangerous.

“A lot of it is to make the whole thing unforgettable. I think too many shows these days are too safe. There’s really a lack of a danger element. I remember going to shows when I was younger and not wanting to tell my parents where I was going or who I was going to see. Coming home with a bruise or something worse was a rite of passage and we’re just trying to keep that going… that danger element, the idea that things aren’t always choreographed. We just don’t want people to watch us like we’re on TV. We want them to feel that they’re really there and that we could hurt ourselves or they could hurt themselves. It’s about letting a crowd know that we’re not safe and that our shows aren’t totally rehearsed to the point of antiseptic performance.”

However, as the five-piece career continues in quantum leaps, the recklessness of their past dissipates in a sea of logistics. Now even the spontaneous on-stage fire breathing of Greg Puciato is scrutinised and the subject of careful risk assessment.

“There was a time when it was totally unrehearsed and there would be days when it would even surprise me. All of a sudden I’d turn around on stage and be like ‘oh shit, I’m going to stand over here’. However unfortunately, in this day and age where people have been killed in nightclub fires a lot of the clubs we play will hire fire marshals that we have to pay for because of the fact that it could happen. It’s a lot harder for us to pull it off now without discussing it first. We’re playing bigger rooms and it’s gotten to the stage where we can’t always have the small show intimacy when we’re playing larger venues. So there are times when we’ve got to prepare for it and get certificates from fire marshals to make sure everyone’s safe. It takes an element out of it because it’s not as spontaneous but it still happens and when it happens it’s no less safe then when it was a surprise.”

As for the kind of stage shows Australian cities will get, Liam is tight-lipped. “I’m not sure what Australia’s going to get. It’s not like we can throw a torch on a plane with the rest of the gear, so it’s a matter of figuring out whether we can piecemeal that together when we get there.”

Irrespective of what bells and whistles Aussie DEP fans will be treated to, it’s apparent that there’s going to be a series of killer high-energy shows in the spirit of underground legends who never made it to our shores.

“I remember going to see bands like the Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza and A.C. and it wasn’t JUST about the music for these bands. There was so much more going on, there was an attitude that was like a fire. In this day and age there are so many bands who are getting a little bit sucked up into treating playing a concert like a day-job.”

Listening to the bands Liam mentions you get a sense of alienating punk rock aggression (so abrasive, in fact, A.C. even have a song ironically entitled ‘Anyone who likes the Dillenger Escape Plan is a Faggot’). It’s this kind of confronting aggression that the Dillinger Escape Plan has cleverly and subtly harnessed to write music that continue to challenge and even piss off fans. In this context, you get the sense that Black Bubblegum and Sick on Sunday were the Dillinger Escape Plan’s way of writing songs like the A.C. classic, All Our Fans are Gay.

A lot was made last year of the commercial stations trying to poach the Chaser. Why did you make the decision to blow off TV for the stage shows?

We hadn’t done theatre for a few years so the idea of doing another stage show was very appealing to us. We love doing it, it’s fun and you can probably get away with doing a lot more in the theatre than you can on television. The other thing was we’d already churned out 52 half hours worth of TV over the last two years and we thought that maybe Australia deserved a bit of time off from the Chaser being on their screens. Also we didn’t want to run out of ideas or over do it so we that’s why we chose to do some live shows.

Do you guys have plans to do more television work?

Hopefully we’ll be back on ABC later this year or early next year. But we haven’t decided on the format of the show yet. We’ve got a few ideas floating around. One possibility is that we might do another season of The Chaser’s War on Everything with more of an overseas element, where we’d film a lot of the sketches overseas. Otherwise we’re kicking around a couple of ideas for completely different shows.

The Chaser’s War on Everything created some pretty amazing amounts of controversy. Were there any stunts or sketches that you felt took things too far or were in poor taste?

No. I always thought it’s just a comedy show and we’re obviously joking. I always thought people who took offence were just not reading our tone correctly. I mean, anyone who actually took it seriously or thought that any of the atrocious opinions expressed on the show are genuinely the opinions any of us hold in real life probably need to go back and learn the term comic exaggeration from year eight English classes.

Last year the team made headlines across the world for managing to breach the APEC security. Have there been any developments in the court case relating to that stunt?

The court case is still pending. Which just means that Julian and Chas and nine crew members and extras have the possibility of some sort punishment being handed down to them. The actual court date keeps getting postponed and I’m very confused about exactly when it’s on and what’s going to happen. I’m not a lawyer so I don’t have a clue what would happen, I just hope that Chas and Julian go to jail because I’d love to get rid of them.

Can you explain the concept behind the stage show?

It’s basically a variety show. It’s the same tone as the Chaser’s War on Everything and it’s the same sort of pace. It’s the same collection of very fast-paced sketches and songs. It’s got the same attitude and the same feel.

A lot of the War was pre-filmed sketches. How does that aspect translate into the stage show?

We do one sketch were Craig has tried to market his arse in the form of product placement. He actually went and really did it, he sent a video news release to news rooms around the country that featured a picture of his bare arse. That he placed in what was ostensibly a medical report. That’s one example.

Over the last two years with the War the Chaser team really became a part of mainstream culture. How was that experience for you?

It was a bit of a surprise for us. We were always this niche thing. We were spectacularly inaccessible and unpopular for a number of years. Then all of a sudden we’d become kind of popular and were reaching a broad demographic of people. I suppose it just goes to show that no matter how old or young you are, no matter what gender or social status is you can always have enough of a lack of taste to enjoy the Chaser.

Can you explain the transition from the early TV shows and the Chaser paper to the more topical approach to humour seen on the War?

Personally, I really enjoyed the change. I’m the member of the group that’s least interested in political satire. I always find it a bit of a bore and a bit pompous. None of my favourite comedy is political satire. So when we started making fun of Persian rug warehouses and people’s number plates I started enjoying myself much more.

In the stage shows will we get a taste of the Crazy Warehouse Guy?

Yeah, I can promise that he makes a brief appearance. You might also see the citizens infringement office and the surprise spruiker as well.

Now that you’ve been on the cover of Rolling Stone what’s left for the Chasers?

Well it was only the Australian edition of Rolling Stone, which I gather is read by a total of twelve people. So hopefully we can go up for there. I’m aiming for the cover of Rolling Stone India… That would probably have about 20 billion readers, maybe we’ll make it then.

 I am an island. Completely alone and partnerless. Forced to fight against the cruel, unloving world alone. My isolation champions Sergeant Pepper’s lonely hearts club band. I’m Sergeant Pepper’s lonely heart soloist.

 It even seems I’m alone in my desolation, as all my friends are busily involving themselves in all the wonderfully cute idiosyncrasies of long-term relationships. While my best friend is getting married in December, I’m stuck trying to figure out who can be my plus one to his nuptials (the words ‘open bar’ will probably help). And aren’t these people so smug in their coupled-up state? Oh, don’t they just love to painstakingly recount every miniscule detail of their cute little faux-arguments first while you resist the surging desire to throttle them. Unable to beat the annoying ever-present joy that seems to come with a partner, long ago I resolved to simply join them. Yet while I yearn, lust and pine for the tender caress of my one true love, my attempts at meeting prospective dates always seem to fall flat on their faces.

 What will become of me? I’d like to think that my future holds a swinging bachelor-hood. Yet I cannot escape the feeling that I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to fill the void in my then-dead heart by writing angry letters to editors, drinking milk straight from the carton and rarely wearing clean underpants (as is I already wear slippers and shorts out in public because I think it’s ‘comfy’).  

As I lamented about my apparent lonely destiny to my best friend, Neil, and his soon to be bride, Jen, they politely pandered to my worriment, making essentially useless suggestions like ‘don’t worry’ and ‘you’ll find someone when the time is right’. While they were offering these pre-packaged sound bites of advice it seemed obvious from the glances they kept shooting each other that they were so relieved to not be in my position.  However, from this conversation a seemingly innocuous statement produces a possible end to my loneliness, in the form of, “maybe you should try one of those dating websites?”

At first I was offended. Was I really that bad? Did I really need to lie about myself through the anonymity of the internet to trick someone, who was also lying about themselves, into a romantic rendezvous where neither of us gets what we bargained for? However, Jen assured me that the websites were surprisingly effective and that she has friends who swear that it is the real deal. The thrill of romantic conquests without the burden of trading my well-worn slippers for those uncomfortable square-toed leather shoes. Without having to pretend to like dance music. With the luxury of being able to press backspace to erase the embarrassing lines used. It did seem to kind of make sense. It almost seemed like a dating utopia.

Still, my cynicism was overshadowing loneliness. It seemed like for every person that recommended internet dating there were stories that suggested it wasn’t such a good idea. One such story from Germany saw a farmer marrying a woman after meeting on an online dating site, only to find out on their wedding night that she had a penis. After having their marriage annulled the farmer said, “We only had a kiss and cuddle before we married… I was devastated. The only true thing she did say was that she had two children, but she was the father – not the mother”.

That was the dichotomy of the situation. Meet new people, deal with the possibility unsuspected genital revelations. So rather than freeing all my Saturday nights and tidying myself up for all the hots dates that lay ahead of me, I decided to test the validity of dating websites by creating three bogus profiles and a real one of myself to see whether the online dating community could spot the fake.

A quick Google images search revealed the faces that would accompany the profiles. To make it easier for online daters to recognise the fraudulent profiles the images of semi-obscure celebrities were stolen. A young, dapper-looking Sir Don Bradman was transformed into _Neil_. A sober (not sober in the sense she looks stern, rather she appears to be free from the effect of any narcotic substance) shot of Courtney Love became the image of Samantha_Whom. While horror film director/heavy metal musician Rob Zombie became the face of Sam The Man3.

Accompanying these photos was a uniform description that became the “About Me” section of the profiles. The images of Courtney Love, Sir Don Bradman and Rob Zombie all described themselves as, “just an ordinary guy (girl in Courtney Love’s case) who enjoys hanging out with mates, going out and spending time with the family. Really enjoy listening to music and just hanging out and having fun.”

After creating the three fake profiles and an actual one of myself, I decided to take my mind of the imminent humiliation of getting less profile traffic than three non-existent people and talk to some other students who had tried internet dating.

Kym, an Arts student from Griffith, felt that internet dating was just another extension of her internet social life. “I do the whole facebook and myspace things. The idea of these “social networking” websites seems to me to be just a thinly-veiled dating site anyway. I look at all the vaguely flirtatious comments and mildly raunchy posed photos on these sites and I wonder why more people our age aren’t doing internet dating. To me, it eliminates the ambiguity about why you’re there and that makes it a lot more sincere.”

She also believed that about the stigma attached to the online dating scene was unfair and misinformed. “I’ve copped a lot of shit from my friends who think online dating is just for lonely I.T. nerds. But everyone is online, I mean we shop online, watch TV online and even just hang out with friends online. So why shouldn’t we meet dates online.”

Matt, a QUT business student had a different rationale behind signing up to an internet dating site. “Where else can you meet girls? It seems too clichéd and sleazy to talk to them in bars and it’s always too loud in clubs. Sure you might be able to hook up with them but like actually getting to know them is different. We’ve all got our quirks and baggage but I’ve found through dating websites I’ve met some really nice, honest people.”

The idea of honesty seems to be held paramount on the popular dating sites (in Australia at least, maybe not so much in Germany). Lavalife even has an explicit code of ethics that states that members, “will treat fellow Lavalife members with dignity and respect” and “will be truthful in the way they present themselves in both my profile and pictures.” 

So I felt a pang of guilt when I checked back in a week’s time to check the progress of the four internet lotharios, knowing that 75% of the profiles were in no way truthful in their presentation of profiles and pictures.

Guilt aside, seeing the results buoyed my spirits about being able to legitimately fill my plus one to Neil and Jen’s wedding. One can only imagine my ebullience, when I managed to get more profile activity than Courtney Love, Rob Zombie and even Australia’s greatest ever batsman, Sir Don Bradman.

Mr. Zombie came in last place, having only accrued two profile views in the week. Next was Courtney Love, who obtained a total of eight profile views and was the only participant to receive an email. However, rather than being from a misinformed suitor it was from a Nirvana fan bitter at the rouse being perpetuated with Courtney Love’s likeness.

As for Don Bradman, well his ridiculously good batting average wasn’t enough to impress the ladies on lavalife. His twelve profile views fell one short of the real-person page.

So it seems that people could spot the under-developed personas created, because looks certainly didn’t get me over the line. But what will become of my small success from the foray in the exciting world of online dating? Will I keep my profile up and use it seriously as a method of picking up? Probably not. I don’t support the idea of trying to distil an entire personality into one paragraph. While people may think it’s lame or geeky, internet dating has probably helped a lot of people find happiness (German farmer with she-male wife aside). Because browsing through some profiles it appears that real people are getting behind internet dating because the prospect of meeting people and experiencing real human connection is too good to exclusively reserve for Saturday nights out on the town.